And it's all gone a bit pear shaped...

unlike me who is an apple through and through.

I'm on annual leave this week and so far, although I have done a little bit of exercise (walking) I have also stuffed my face a little bit. I think I'm on a rebellion phase where I want it so I'm 'avin' it! I have just finished off a packet of double oreos I bought yesterday whilst simultaneously downloading the new C25K app on my phone! Surely, it's the thought that counts! No?

I think on my days off I feel I have to achieve something every day. Yesterday, I did the grocery shopping and a trainer on walk. Today I have walked to the hairdressers, had my hair cut, walked back into town and home again; I'm on 9300 steps from just that and I'm going to work at tea time for a presentation (and pizza) Did I say pizza? Oh bugger.

Tomorrow, I shall venture north in the trusty Edward (my car's called Edward) and have a wander around trying to find some specific fabric for mother. I must stay away from the fabulous cream cake shop I know is there. Although I have just text my friend who lives up there, to see if she is free for coffee - that will inevitably involve cake too! I'm doomed because I just can't say no!

So there's a bit of self sabotage going on, lack of willpower and resolve with an underlying feeling of "sod it". But I am trying. Although I bought rhubarb and custard iced buns from M&S this morning, I didn't pick up chocolates or biscuits like I wanted to. (But I did have some oreos left as above). But the thing is, I stopped myself and that deserves congratulations because nobody knows how hard that actually is but me.

Oh who am I kidding? I am a greedy pig and there's no 2 ways about it. I like food, I like crap food and refined sugar and I'm so ashamed of what I have eaten I've not even put it in MFP because I don't want to see it in black and white. Once it's in black and white, it's also real and undeniable. I can hide packets and not mention things when it's only me that knows about them. But I'm a rubbish liar. I have actually shredded the oreos packet so hubby doesn't see it. How bad is that?

Actually I feel a bit better now I have written it down in black and white. Not so guilty. Because I know that there's people out there that might read this (well, if I had any readers) that will be saying "you think that's bad, you should hear about what I did..." I suppose one way to think positively is to remember that there are other people much worse off than me that have so much more of a real problem, people with mobility and health problems because of their addictions. It's sometimes a bit blurred, but I can draw a line where to stop. I have to redraw it on a daily basis, but I can (usually) and there's people out there who are unable to.

Like any of life's challenges, the ability to see and empathise with those who are worse off is a gift.

How have I lived with so little potassium?

I'm not totally convinced that MFP is an accurate calculator of nutritional make-ups. The other day it said I had no potassium when I had recorded a banana. How can I have not had any potassium when I've had a narnar? Looking in minute detail at everything you eat makes you realise that the make-up of natural things is evidently going to be different depending on how mature/ripe/out of date, it is and exactly how big something is. What is a medium banana? How much of a large egg is a medium egg? Two thirds? How big is a carrot? How much vitamin A is in this carrot compared to that one that's been in the fridge a week and is a bit bendy?

I have had some difficult days work-wise this week. I avoided the 'baddies' earlier on but yesterday was a particularly challenging day as I ended up staying at work for an extra 5 hours with no opportunity for a break, food or even a pee. I had lunch at midday. By 9.30 I was so ravenous I just ate the nearest things to hand which were bourbons and Thornton's chocolates! Then, when I finally got home and had showered, it was 10.30 and I only had the energy for toast. Hubby kindly made me a couple of slices and thoughtfully scraped the butter on and then off again so there wasn't too much on it! "ARGH, the calories," you cry! But it was offset by the 14,500 steps I had done and even when I entered all of the rubbish I had eaten onto MFP, I was still in a significant calorie deficit.

It was a horrible shift (and a half) and I have been on a bit of a downer today. I took a piriton so I would sleep (but I was so knackered, I think I would have slept; I just didn't want to wake in the wee small hours and not be able to get off again as my brain went into overthinking mode). I woke after 7 hours with the beginning of a migraine (can you be asleep and tense at the same time?) so I had some migraleve - what a druggie! But I'm physically and mentally exhausted today; I can't make a decision without mulling it over for ages and my eyes are so heavy...

BUT, I have managed to avoid temptation (mostly). I had to go into town and wanted hubby's company, and he could see I just wanted a bit of moral support and physical hand holding so he came with me to run a few errands while I finally got my sunglasses from Specsavers. The weather was  (and still is) lovely and we walked a little way along the prom (yes, we live at the seaside) and I suggested an ice cream. I had the intention of a scoop (or two) in a pot rather than a cone that could dribble. The queue was massive so we gave it a miss and walked a longer way home instead. I have been to the supermarket to get some cold drinks (we had a hankering for orange, cranberry and lots of ice) and apart from a bag of sweet and salty popcorn and two apple turnovers, I walked away without baddies.

The popcorn is ok so long as I don't eat the entire bag in one sitting - it's light and not too bad sugar-wise. The turnovers were a whim because I fancied them. Just under 300kcal apparently. I'm not going to worry about it. We have decided we fancied a Weightwatchers recipe for Frittata for tea tonight so I know my calories for the day (and walking) will be OK. It's just the rum I might put in the cranberry and orange that might mess things up...😉

The sweet stuff

There are guidelines, GDAs or more recently known as Recommended Intakes (RI) about the make-up of calorific intake.

MFP set up default levels but I noticed that I seemed to be reaching the sugar level very quickly despite not having added sugar, fruit juices or syrups - the things you expect. This got me thinking about what my intake of sugar should be and, more scarily, how much it has been in the past.

MFP was set at 43g of sugar. But that didn't take into account whether they were natural sugars or added sugars. There doesn't seem to be a way to break this down (without paying a shedload for MFP premium, which I'm not up for). The GDA or RI for women is 90g TOTAL sugar. So although I was above the threshold it had arbitrarily chosen for me that was ALL sugar in my diet. Surely even a saint couldn't keep it below 43g? I have changed it to 90g and intend to keep below that.

Quite possibly, up until just a few days ago, I could well have been topping 90g on a daily basis and probably doubling that or even more. Maybe this is the wake-up call I need. I realised that as I was walking around Tesco this afternoon I was thinking about the sugar content of virtually everything and remembering my brother saying that he never buys grapes because they are just balls of sugar. I scoffed at this because I thought that purely being a natural fruit trumped any bad sugar content. I was wrong; it's all important.

I have also considered the calcium, potassium and sodium content of my diet as MFP was consistently advising me that my potassium and calcium were low. I'm quite chuffed that there was no such alert about sodium being high - I have hypertension and so am quite aware of salt and processed foods etc. So I have adjusted the amounts according to RI and have considered where I might best obtain potassium and calcium in my diet. This is made a helluver lot easier by the fact I can now eat more natural sugars. I knew my calcium intake wasn't great, but the cap on my sugar wouldn't allow me to have a glass of milk without going way over. Hopefully there will be a bit of a better balance now. The same with goes for nuts and seeds giving me extra nutrients (calcium among them) or yoghurt, bananas and dried fruit for potassium; it all has sugar in too but now I have more sugar to play with!

This all makes me feel quite accomplished and like I'm on the right track to change my lifestyle. I never considered it as an academic process before, WeightWatchers and the like have always done the science bit for me and I've just taken their word for it. I hate WW. It works while you're on it, adhering to their strict rules (no matter how flexible they want you to think it is) but mostly because they peddle horrible low fat alternatives, rubbish recipes that never taste as good as when they're laden with fat and sugar. I'm miserable when I'm on a 'diet'.

I want to drink whole milk, eat full fat cheese and full fat yoghurt. I want to eat fresh, unprocessed foods as much as I can. But most of all, I want to be able to enjoy a healthy diet without feeling guilty, fat or deprived. I know I'm counting and measuring a lot at the moment and it takes precious time to put that extra effort in. But it will eventually be worth it. I will have changed my habits, changed my lifestyle and it will no longer be a chore. 

Calorie requirements

I have been trying to find out exactly how many calories (or kcal) I need to consume to exist. This is not as easy as I thought it might be.

• From somewhere my Fitbit has be using 1635 per day just from existing. That is, on a day when I haven't had it on or recording, it calculates that is how many kcals I will have used. How it comes to that conclusion, I'm not sure. 

• HealthStatus (a website) calculated my existence to require 2689.8 kcal a day.

• BBCiWonder came up with 2240 kcal.

There seems to be a general consensus that 2000 kcal is what women need in order to maintain their weight, keeping the engine ticking over so to speak. But that takes little or no account of age or weight.

There is a formula or something. Doing a bit of reading it seems that requirements (no matter what the answer comes up as) seem to be calculated from the basal metabolic rate (BMR) and that is calculated from body weight, height, age and gender. Which is the same no matter what on-line calculator you use. So how can they differ so much? Who am I supposed to believe?

The amount of kcal you need to lose weight is a whole new ballgame!

• HealthUnlocked (website) suggest 1400 kcal.

• NHS Choices say 1692 - 2175 kcal

• and MFP wanted me to start on 1230 kcal!

So where does all that information leave me? And lets not forget, we're only talking about calories here; the components and proportions are as yet, undiscovered by me. It's surely going to get way more complicated the more I delve into it.

• To function on a daily basis I require 1692 - 2689.8 kcal per day. That's a hell of a margin for error!

• To maintain my weight the consensus is approximately 2000 kcal

• To lose weight, guidelines (see previous post) suggest 600 kcals less than maintenance. So is that 1092 kcal, 1400 kcal or 2089.8 kcal? Answers on a postcard please!

I have set MFP to 1800 kcal per day and I will see how that goes for a while. I am hopeful that in the short-term as it is considerably less than I have been eating I should show some weight loss initially. This may need to be adjusted as I (hopefully) lose weight.

I've started something here that is going to be a long term project, perhaps even more so than my MSc!