Comfort in figures

Today is my last day of annual leave as I am back to work tomorrow. I've had my birthday during my time off. How I got to this age is a miracle in itself, without killing anyone is also a miracle! I think birthdays always make you contemplate life, how you have lived it and how you intend to go on living it. That's just what marking the passages of time does to humans, isn't it?

I am now 45 years old. That's half way to 90, if I live to 90. If I don't live til 90 then I'm over half way through my life. My grandma was half way through her life at 39, my grandad (her husband) not until he was 46. My 'other' grandad was half way through at 27! Mortality is a bit of a downer, isn't it?

Anyway, enough rhetorical questions. I'm back to work tomorrow and all I can say is that in terms f diet and exercise, that is probably no bad thing. There's too much temptation to 

• eat crap
• do bog all exercise

And that is pretty much what I have done. For the whole time. And give or take the odd shift or workshop, I haven't worked regularly since the 23rd of June! OMG that's over 3 and a half weeks! I'll be shattered! AND I'm a year older.

I have set myself up with loads of plans. I have made this week's granola already and it is currently cooling on the baking tray before I put it in a kilner jar. I make enough for 7 days and it seems to have been lasting nicely with about 70g a day. It might be a few calories, but with the oats and nuts and seeds, it's a pretty healthy 70g. I have downloaded the new C25K with Sarah Millican as my coach, which is excellent, funny and pretty ironic and will probably make me giggle as I imagine her doing the C25K with me.

My bike is all prepped and ready to go and my fitbit is charging as I type. I'm not sure what the scales will say tomorrow morning. I haven't been truly awful this week as far as food is concerned but I haven't weighed or tracked and I have done a few walks but haven't worn my fitbit so I don't know how far or how many steps; it's funny how you get so used to measuring stuff (steps, food, weight) and then when you don't it all goes to pot a little and you're flailing about in the dark. There's comfort in figures...

And it's all gone a bit pear shaped...

unlike me who is an apple through and through.

I'm on annual leave this week and so far, although I have done a little bit of exercise (walking) I have also stuffed my face a little bit. I think I'm on a rebellion phase where I want it so I'm 'avin' it! I have just finished off a packet of double oreos I bought yesterday whilst simultaneously downloading the new C25K app on my phone! Surely, it's the thought that counts! No?

I think on my days off I feel I have to achieve something every day. Yesterday, I did the grocery shopping and a trainer on walk. Today I have walked to the hairdressers, had my hair cut, walked back into town and home again; I'm on 9300 steps from just that and I'm going to work at tea time for a presentation (and pizza) Did I say pizza? Oh bugger.

Tomorrow, I shall venture north in the trusty Edward (my car's called Edward) and have a wander around trying to find some specific fabric for mother. I must stay away from the fabulous cream cake shop I know is there. Although I have just text my friend who lives up there, to see if she is free for coffee - that will inevitably involve cake too! I'm doomed because I just can't say no!

So there's a bit of self sabotage going on, lack of willpower and resolve with an underlying feeling of "sod it". But I am trying. Although I bought rhubarb and custard iced buns from M&S this morning, I didn't pick up chocolates or biscuits like I wanted to. (But I did have some oreos left as above). But the thing is, I stopped myself and that deserves congratulations because nobody knows how hard that actually is but me.

Oh who am I kidding? I am a greedy pig and there's no 2 ways about it. I like food, I like crap food and refined sugar and I'm so ashamed of what I have eaten I've not even put it in MFP because I don't want to see it in black and white. Once it's in black and white, it's also real and undeniable. I can hide packets and not mention things when it's only me that knows about them. But I'm a rubbish liar. I have actually shredded the oreos packet so hubby doesn't see it. How bad is that?

Actually I feel a bit better now I have written it down in black and white. Not so guilty. Because I know that there's people out there that might read this (well, if I had any readers) that will be saying "you think that's bad, you should hear about what I did..." I suppose one way to think positively is to remember that there are other people much worse off than me that have so much more of a real problem, people with mobility and health problems because of their addictions. It's sometimes a bit blurred, but I can draw a line where to stop. I have to redraw it on a daily basis, but I can (usually) and there's people out there who are unable to.

Like any of life's challenges, the ability to see and empathise with those who are worse off is a gift.

Bee on a bike...

...for about 10 minutes!!!

I acquired a bike some time ago from a friend who was unable to use it anymore. She had cancer and can't tolerate sitting on a bike due to radiotherapy effects. So I bought it off her on a whim. We manhandled it into the back of my car and when I got it home, Hubby was surprised to say the least that I had paid so little for a Giant bike with Shimano brakes (or gears, whichever is impressive). As you can tell, to me a bike is 2 wheels, handlebars and a bell if I'm lucky. I have 30 odd gear settings that I'm never going to use in a month of Sundays. Needless to say, it has sat in the garage, slowly deflating and losing all hope of ever being sat on again! Until today!

Hubby was supposed to be away this weekend, shooting people with bee-bees but his already fragile self confidence was shattered last night when he ventured where they were supposed to be camping, got the wrong side road and ended up being rescued from a muddy ditch by a mate with a Land Rover. He was completely mortified and no amount off cajoling or gentle persuasion, talking, listening or cuddling would persuade him to go back today. He has absolutely crippling social anxiety at times and although he's perfectly able to function on a daily basis, hold down a fairly stressful job and do things that he has to do. When it comes to his leisure time and hobbies, if he doesn't want to do it - he won't. This distresses me because he was so looking forward to the boys' weekend, roughing it on ration packs and seeing who can get the grubbiest and smelliest by Sunday afternoon. Instead he will spend most of the weekend holed up in his man cave, watching sport and playing computer games. I know he will look back and regret not going, and he knows it too but he just can't bring himself to face them so soon. He has a very strong flight response and he's afraid of not his mates, but the addition people there, taking the piss, having a drink and taking even more piss out of him and he will be unable to escape. His instinct last night was to get home as quickly as possible and he told me if the roads weren't so windy, he'd have broken the speed limit just to get back to his safe zone/haven.

I digress...anyway, because he's here when I didn't expect him to be and he's been trying to get out on his bike (and persuade me to do the same) I bit the bullet and suggested maybe we take them out. All plans made, lid retrieved from the wardrobe and off we went to the garage. My tyres were flat. And no pump that fits the valve. BOTTOM!! Change of plan. We decide to go for a walk instead and head towards a bike shop that we have never visited on the off-chance they'll be open (it was a Saturday morning; of course they'll be open. But he's in that over-analysis stage where everything he's planned will be thwarted by something). And then we can continue our walk with or without a pump with the option of Amazon. So that's what we did. 

The bike shop was open (told you so! But I didn't say it) and we purchased an old-fashioned pump for £5.99 and carried on walking. 6000 steps later we were home again and I was itching to get on my bike. So he kindly pumped the tyres up and after adjusting the seat, off we went to the car park at the end of the road. OMG my quads are screaming after only 10 minutes! To be fair, I haven't ridden a bike for probably well over 10-12 years. I was playing with the gears going up and down hill (the car park is on a bit of a slope) and my legs were aching so much! I won't need to do much to call it vigorous because the sweat was pouring off me after just that short episode. We'll maybe go out later this evening when the weather has cooled a bit and there's less people about to watch the fat, middle aged bee on a bike getting hotter, sweatier and redder by the moment!

Rotation diets

I  belong to a few support and incentive building buddie groups on facebook and I'm genuinely interested in how other obese people manage their lives, support each other and their attempt to lose weight and get more healthy; they're all me, to varying degrees. But I was a little concerned about one woman who reckoned her friend had lost 10lb in a week.

Oh really????

https://authoritynutrition.com/the-military-diet-101/

It seems that this diet, or something similar might be the culprit/reason. This is similar in rationale to a rotation diet popular about 20 odd years ago and even my mum did it and lost 6 stone. Only to put it all back on again when she started eating properly. They might be good for losing weight for a specific thing - ie military service, a wedding or target weight for WLS but it is not a sustainable way of losing weight and changing your lifestyle.

And will someone please tell me how you have 2 tablespoons of peanut butter on one slice of toast? And what an earth do you do with all the other halves of the bananas? No, I'm being serious. Who eats half a banana? Get a small banana for goodness sake!!!

In other news, I walked my little cotton socks off yesterday (literally. My trainers rubbed on my ankle, right through my little cotton socks and I have massive blisters!). It was a national holiday here and I dragged hubby out of bed and we went for a 2 hour walk along the cliff tops. The sun was shining off the sea and there were loads of little fishing boats about. The heather is just coming out and it was just all so pretty, life-affirming and refreshing. And to top it all, I didn't have to stop and pee in a bush! (Although I was a little dry by the time we'd finished because I'd only had 250mls of fluid before we went out). I did over 15000 steps yesterday. Today I have done about 10% of that!

Been a busy little bee again

It seems like ages since I last wrote. I've been off gallavanting - to Newcastle, where I stayed at the Malmaison hotel for 4 days. The food was already paid for (Union training) and was absolutely divine. Unfortunately it was also calorie-filled, rich and short on healthy options. In addition to that, there was no time to work any of the calories off as it was full-on studying all day every day. My head was pounding full of new information and my jeans were getting tighter and tighter as I sat on my arse all day, every day just wallowing in the sheer amount of calories I had consumed!

When I came home, things didn't improve much as I was going on a meal out on Saturday and although I didn't eat a huge amount, I consumed 3 cocktails and a glass of prosecco. And yesterday, I continued the trend as I went for a carvery lunch baby shower at the Golf Club. I didn't have any alcohol (still in my system from the night before) but I had a full roast dinner, dessert and baby shower cake. This morning I was hardly surprised at a 3lb weight gain. It could have been worse, I suppose.

So, after weigh-in I was on it like a rash! My fitbit hasn't been worn for a week (I knew there was no point even taking it to Newcastle) so it's now fully charged and ready to go. I haven't felt like doing much today so I have done less than 1000 steps so far (I think I have a bit of a left-over hangover from all the over-indulgences) but Tesco beckons later so I can restock the fridge and cupboards with healthy, plain foods. We have some soup ready for tea, so I'll get some bread and I'll get plenty of salad and fruit and popcorn (my go-to snack). I made some granola today too. I have never made it before and it's a little too dry, I think. The one on offer at the hotel last week was absolutely gorgeous, but I suspect, full of sugar/honey. But I don't think I've used enough honey for the amount of other ingredients. I probably need to get a good recipe to follow to get the proportions right.

Hubby got a few bits shopping on Saturday and he got me some cottage cheese. I love Longley Farm full fat cottage cheese. Mistakenly, he got me fat-free. OMG that stuff is so watery in comparison! I won't waste it, but blurgh, it's horrid!