6 week bootcamp

Oh my, I haven't been here for a little while, have I? Well I'm back and I'm on it like a car bonnet! On a whim of depression, sadness and outright disgust at myself and my bad eating habits I signed up for a 6 week bootcamp which started yesterday and finishes on Christmas Eve.

There's a facebook group for excellent support and a lot of us with fitbits have become friends on there and are completing challenges. I missed out on success on a virtual Yosemite Valley challenge - the winner (and only person to have completed the whole walk in the time given) had trekked up Snowdon - hence the massive amount of steps. I was the next best achiever, but didn't finish (38500 steps in 36 hours!). I am currently doing the New York marathon and was in the lead this morning but I fear I will have been overtaken tonight. It's good motivation if you're in that frame of mind.

This first week is detox week - no caffeine, no dairy, no wheat, no sugar. My head's a bit fuzzy today - I should be studying for the 3 million things I've got happening in the next 3 weeks but I can't concentrate to learn. I haven't had caffeine since Saturday lunch time - that's ok; I drink decaff after 6pm anyway so I've had that for some drinks. I also have lemon and ginger tea and today I bought Pukka licorice and mint tea as recommended on the group for sweet cravings. It's not too bad actually and I can see the 'sweet' bit is helpful. It recommends not having too much of that if you have hypertension (waves hello) so I'd better not have any more today (2 cups already).

I have always objected to being told what to eat, but I have batch cooked a few meals (as recommended and they will be repeated) and so it's actually a novelty not having to think up 'what to have for tea'. I've made myself a plan of what I think is realistic to make fresh and eat straightaway and what I can make beforehand. I have made the 'smokey chilli' from quorn instead of minced turkey - cannot find that anywhere and it has far too much chilli in for me - it's uncomfortably hot. But I've got 8 portions left in the freezer! I've made 8 portions of harari soup - I limited the chilli and it tastes pretty good. My main downfall is that I want to season everything with salt. And for years I didn't season anything and now I can't, I miss it!

Using the fitbit and taking on challenges is good. I have done over 10,000 steps every day since Tuesday. It's motivational for someone who has seriously lacked motivation for months. My legs ache, my ankles ache and my hip is very sore but I'm trying to manage without painkillers if I can - another thing I need to cut down on.

As for peeing. Well I'm doing plenty of that!

And off we go again...

I've not been on here for quite a few weeks now. I'm dillying and dallying where food and exercise is concerned and I just caught myself looking at Slimming World on line. It's £20 a month and £80 to start if you want all the magazines and books. I cannot justify that if I end up not sticking to it. I think the appeal was that I have never done Slimming World before and so unlike Weightwatchers, I wouldn't have all the same dread of what is on offer, pointing and weighing. I don't know how Slimming World works, except that they have 'syns' which gets my back straight up. And I am an intelligent woman; I have discussed many times on here about how it surely just is a balance of input and output - a balance that I have not yet managed to strike successfully.

If I'm going to lose this weight once and for all I need to change my lifestyle and not just fork out spondoolies every month for someone else to say measure this, count that and "should you be eating that?". It's a simple equation of avoiding the obviously 'bad' things such as refined sugar and saturated fat as much as possible, making sensible choices and above all not buying the crap in the first place! But why is that so difficult?

I had a blood pressure check last week, which was OK; not brilliant, but OK. My asthma peak flow is similar - could be better but not dire or particularly worrying. I also weighed myself this morning for the first time in ages and despite my fears, I am relatively stable and am lighter than when I embarked on this in June - hovering around 100kg (100.8 today). But even though everything is ok, I'm dissatisfied. I am an intelligent woman, I relish getting stuck into a project and yet I can't muster the motivation to concentrate on my health and wellbeing as a project - a very worthwhile and ultimately rewarding project.

I've got 10 weeks until my graduation ceremony, where I have my picture taken in a cap and gown. (I got a distinction, BTW) and get plastered all over the newsletters as well as the walls of the education centre for all eternity. I want to look better than I do now. If I could lose between 5-10kg in that time, that would be doable, wouldn't it?

Well, of course, only if I change what I'm doing! That goes without saying!

Tesco this afternoon and I shall be doing my utmost to be sensible about what I chose to put in the trolley. Hopefully hubby is up for it too.

Comfort in figures

Today is my last day of annual leave as I am back to work tomorrow. I've had my birthday during my time off. How I got to this age is a miracle in itself, without killing anyone is also a miracle! I think birthdays always make you contemplate life, how you have lived it and how you intend to go on living it. That's just what marking the passages of time does to humans, isn't it?

I am now 45 years old. That's half way to 90, if I live to 90. If I don't live til 90 then I'm over half way through my life. My grandma was half way through her life at 39, my grandad (her husband) not until he was 46. My 'other' grandad was half way through at 27! Mortality is a bit of a downer, isn't it?

Anyway, enough rhetorical questions. I'm back to work tomorrow and all I can say is that in terms f diet and exercise, that is probably no bad thing. There's too much temptation to 

• eat crap
• do bog all exercise

And that is pretty much what I have done. For the whole time. And give or take the odd shift or workshop, I haven't worked regularly since the 23rd of June! OMG that's over 3 and a half weeks! I'll be shattered! AND I'm a year older.

I have set myself up with loads of plans. I have made this week's granola already and it is currently cooling on the baking tray before I put it in a kilner jar. I make enough for 7 days and it seems to have been lasting nicely with about 70g a day. It might be a few calories, but with the oats and nuts and seeds, it's a pretty healthy 70g. I have downloaded the new C25K with Sarah Millican as my coach, which is excellent, funny and pretty ironic and will probably make me giggle as I imagine her doing the C25K with me.

My bike is all prepped and ready to go and my fitbit is charging as I type. I'm not sure what the scales will say tomorrow morning. I haven't been truly awful this week as far as food is concerned but I haven't weighed or tracked and I have done a few walks but haven't worn my fitbit so I don't know how far or how many steps; it's funny how you get so used to measuring stuff (steps, food, weight) and then when you don't it all goes to pot a little and you're flailing about in the dark. There's comfort in figures...

And it's all gone a bit pear shaped...

unlike me who is an apple through and through.

I'm on annual leave this week and so far, although I have done a little bit of exercise (walking) I have also stuffed my face a little bit. I think I'm on a rebellion phase where I want it so I'm 'avin' it! I have just finished off a packet of double oreos I bought yesterday whilst simultaneously downloading the new C25K app on my phone! Surely, it's the thought that counts! No?

I think on my days off I feel I have to achieve something every day. Yesterday, I did the grocery shopping and a trainer on walk. Today I have walked to the hairdressers, had my hair cut, walked back into town and home again; I'm on 9300 steps from just that and I'm going to work at tea time for a presentation (and pizza) Did I say pizza? Oh bugger.

Tomorrow, I shall venture north in the trusty Edward (my car's called Edward) and have a wander around trying to find some specific fabric for mother. I must stay away from the fabulous cream cake shop I know is there. Although I have just text my friend who lives up there, to see if she is free for coffee - that will inevitably involve cake too! I'm doomed because I just can't say no!

So there's a bit of self sabotage going on, lack of willpower and resolve with an underlying feeling of "sod it". But I am trying. Although I bought rhubarb and custard iced buns from M&S this morning, I didn't pick up chocolates or biscuits like I wanted to. (But I did have some oreos left as above). But the thing is, I stopped myself and that deserves congratulations because nobody knows how hard that actually is but me.

Oh who am I kidding? I am a greedy pig and there's no 2 ways about it. I like food, I like crap food and refined sugar and I'm so ashamed of what I have eaten I've not even put it in MFP because I don't want to see it in black and white. Once it's in black and white, it's also real and undeniable. I can hide packets and not mention things when it's only me that knows about them. But I'm a rubbish liar. I have actually shredded the oreos packet so hubby doesn't see it. How bad is that?

Actually I feel a bit better now I have written it down in black and white. Not so guilty. Because I know that there's people out there that might read this (well, if I had any readers) that will be saying "you think that's bad, you should hear about what I did..." I suppose one way to think positively is to remember that there are other people much worse off than me that have so much more of a real problem, people with mobility and health problems because of their addictions. It's sometimes a bit blurred, but I can draw a line where to stop. I have to redraw it on a daily basis, but I can (usually) and there's people out there who are unable to.

Like any of life's challenges, the ability to see and empathise with those who are worse off is a gift.

Bee on a bike...

...for about 10 minutes!!!

I acquired a bike some time ago from a friend who was unable to use it anymore. She had cancer and can't tolerate sitting on a bike due to radiotherapy effects. So I bought it off her on a whim. We manhandled it into the back of my car and when I got it home, Hubby was surprised to say the least that I had paid so little for a Giant bike with Shimano brakes (or gears, whichever is impressive). As you can tell, to me a bike is 2 wheels, handlebars and a bell if I'm lucky. I have 30 odd gear settings that I'm never going to use in a month of Sundays. Needless to say, it has sat in the garage, slowly deflating and losing all hope of ever being sat on again! Until today!

Hubby was supposed to be away this weekend, shooting people with bee-bees but his already fragile self confidence was shattered last night when he ventured where they were supposed to be camping, got the wrong side road and ended up being rescued from a muddy ditch by a mate with a Land Rover. He was completely mortified and no amount off cajoling or gentle persuasion, talking, listening or cuddling would persuade him to go back today. He has absolutely crippling social anxiety at times and although he's perfectly able to function on a daily basis, hold down a fairly stressful job and do things that he has to do. When it comes to his leisure time and hobbies, if he doesn't want to do it - he won't. This distresses me because he was so looking forward to the boys' weekend, roughing it on ration packs and seeing who can get the grubbiest and smelliest by Sunday afternoon. Instead he will spend most of the weekend holed up in his man cave, watching sport and playing computer games. I know he will look back and regret not going, and he knows it too but he just can't bring himself to face them so soon. He has a very strong flight response and he's afraid of not his mates, but the addition people there, taking the piss, having a drink and taking even more piss out of him and he will be unable to escape. His instinct last night was to get home as quickly as possible and he told me if the roads weren't so windy, he'd have broken the speed limit just to get back to his safe zone/haven.

I digress...anyway, because he's here when I didn't expect him to be and he's been trying to get out on his bike (and persuade me to do the same) I bit the bullet and suggested maybe we take them out. All plans made, lid retrieved from the wardrobe and off we went to the garage. My tyres were flat. And no pump that fits the valve. BOTTOM!! Change of plan. We decide to go for a walk instead and head towards a bike shop that we have never visited on the off-chance they'll be open (it was a Saturday morning; of course they'll be open. But he's in that over-analysis stage where everything he's planned will be thwarted by something). And then we can continue our walk with or without a pump with the option of Amazon. So that's what we did. 

The bike shop was open (told you so! But I didn't say it) and we purchased an old-fashioned pump for £5.99 and carried on walking. 6000 steps later we were home again and I was itching to get on my bike. So he kindly pumped the tyres up and after adjusting the seat, off we went to the car park at the end of the road. OMG my quads are screaming after only 10 minutes! To be fair, I haven't ridden a bike for probably well over 10-12 years. I was playing with the gears going up and down hill (the car park is on a bit of a slope) and my legs were aching so much! I won't need to do much to call it vigorous because the sweat was pouring off me after just that short episode. We'll maybe go out later this evening when the weather has cooled a bit and there's less people about to watch the fat, middle aged bee on a bike getting hotter, sweatier and redder by the moment!

Rotation diets

I  belong to a few support and incentive building buddie groups on facebook and I'm genuinely interested in how other obese people manage their lives, support each other and their attempt to lose weight and get more healthy; they're all me, to varying degrees. But I was a little concerned about one woman who reckoned her friend had lost 10lb in a week.

Oh really????

https://authoritynutrition.com/the-military-diet-101/

It seems that this diet, or something similar might be the culprit/reason. This is similar in rationale to a rotation diet popular about 20 odd years ago and even my mum did it and lost 6 stone. Only to put it all back on again when she started eating properly. They might be good for losing weight for a specific thing - ie military service, a wedding or target weight for WLS but it is not a sustainable way of losing weight and changing your lifestyle.

And will someone please tell me how you have 2 tablespoons of peanut butter on one slice of toast? And what an earth do you do with all the other halves of the bananas? No, I'm being serious. Who eats half a banana? Get a small banana for goodness sake!!!

In other news, I walked my little cotton socks off yesterday (literally. My trainers rubbed on my ankle, right through my little cotton socks and I have massive blisters!). It was a national holiday here and I dragged hubby out of bed and we went for a 2 hour walk along the cliff tops. The sun was shining off the sea and there were loads of little fishing boats about. The heather is just coming out and it was just all so pretty, life-affirming and refreshing. And to top it all, I didn't have to stop and pee in a bush! (Although I was a little dry by the time we'd finished because I'd only had 250mls of fluid before we went out). I did over 15000 steps yesterday. Today I have done about 10% of that!

Been a busy little bee again

It seems like ages since I last wrote. I've been off gallavanting - to Newcastle, where I stayed at the Malmaison hotel for 4 days. The food was already paid for (Union training) and was absolutely divine. Unfortunately it was also calorie-filled, rich and short on healthy options. In addition to that, there was no time to work any of the calories off as it was full-on studying all day every day. My head was pounding full of new information and my jeans were getting tighter and tighter as I sat on my arse all day, every day just wallowing in the sheer amount of calories I had consumed!

When I came home, things didn't improve much as I was going on a meal out on Saturday and although I didn't eat a huge amount, I consumed 3 cocktails and a glass of prosecco. And yesterday, I continued the trend as I went for a carvery lunch baby shower at the Golf Club. I didn't have any alcohol (still in my system from the night before) but I had a full roast dinner, dessert and baby shower cake. This morning I was hardly surprised at a 3lb weight gain. It could have been worse, I suppose.

So, after weigh-in I was on it like a rash! My fitbit hasn't been worn for a week (I knew there was no point even taking it to Newcastle) so it's now fully charged and ready to go. I haven't felt like doing much today so I have done less than 1000 steps so far (I think I have a bit of a left-over hangover from all the over-indulgences) but Tesco beckons later so I can restock the fridge and cupboards with healthy, plain foods. We have some soup ready for tea, so I'll get some bread and I'll get plenty of salad and fruit and popcorn (my go-to snack). I made some granola today too. I have never made it before and it's a little too dry, I think. The one on offer at the hotel last week was absolutely gorgeous, but I suspect, full of sugar/honey. But I don't think I've used enough honey for the amount of other ingredients. I probably need to get a good recipe to follow to get the proportions right.

Hubby got a few bits shopping on Saturday and he got me some cottage cheese. I love Longley Farm full fat cottage cheese. Mistakenly, he got me fat-free. OMG that stuff is so watery in comparison! I won't waste it, but blurgh, it's horrid!

Busy little bee

I have been very busy with work and completely knackered all the rest of the time. I was thinking that my skin was clearer and I was looking a little less tired but this week has wiped out all the good work and effort I have made with my nutritional and water intake and hubby pronounced yesterday that I was looking run down. I have a massive juicy spot on my chin and my face is shining. I can put some of that down to the weather (and consequent heat at work) and I suppose my body might be getting rid of toxins (hence the humungous spot). But OMG (a deity I don't believe in) I'm sooo tired. Last night I was planning on watching Hospital at 9pm. I couldn't keep my eyes open beyond about 8.30 and I dragged myself up to bed at 8.45. Fitbit said I had 8 hours sleep but I swear it felt like 8 minutes. I dragged myself out of bed again this morning and have been wishing myself back there all day!

Is this down to detox? I'm eating good food, making sure I'm getting the correct nutrition, and a good balance of carbs, protein and fat. I'm not exercising out of work but I have had 10,000+ steps every day so far just at work. I have also lost just over 2kg since I started the new lifestyle. Maybe my body is just adjusting to the new regime

Bee Beeautiful

How have I lived with so little potassium?

I'm not totally convinced that MFP is an accurate calculator of nutritional make-ups. The other day it said I had no potassium when I had recorded a banana. How can I have not had any potassium when I've had a narnar? Looking in minute detail at everything you eat makes you realise that the make-up of natural things is evidently going to be different depending on how mature/ripe/out of date, it is and exactly how big something is. What is a medium banana? How much of a large egg is a medium egg? Two thirds? How big is a carrot? How much vitamin A is in this carrot compared to that one that's been in the fridge a week and is a bit bendy?

I have had some difficult days work-wise this week. I avoided the 'baddies' earlier on but yesterday was a particularly challenging day as I ended up staying at work for an extra 5 hours with no opportunity for a break, food or even a pee. I had lunch at midday. By 9.30 I was so ravenous I just ate the nearest things to hand which were bourbons and Thornton's chocolates! Then, when I finally got home and had showered, it was 10.30 and I only had the energy for toast. Hubby kindly made me a couple of slices and thoughtfully scraped the butter on and then off again so there wasn't too much on it! "ARGH, the calories," you cry! But it was offset by the 14,500 steps I had done and even when I entered all of the rubbish I had eaten onto MFP, I was still in a significant calorie deficit.

It was a horrible shift (and a half) and I have been on a bit of a downer today. I took a piriton so I would sleep (but I was so knackered, I think I would have slept; I just didn't want to wake in the wee small hours and not be able to get off again as my brain went into overthinking mode). I woke after 7 hours with the beginning of a migraine (can you be asleep and tense at the same time?) so I had some migraleve - what a druggie! But I'm physically and mentally exhausted today; I can't make a decision without mulling it over for ages and my eyes are so heavy...

BUT, I have managed to avoid temptation (mostly). I had to go into town and wanted hubby's company, and he could see I just wanted a bit of moral support and physical hand holding so he came with me to run a few errands while I finally got my sunglasses from Specsavers. The weather was  (and still is) lovely and we walked a little way along the prom (yes, we live at the seaside) and I suggested an ice cream. I had the intention of a scoop (or two) in a pot rather than a cone that could dribble. The queue was massive so we gave it a miss and walked a longer way home instead. I have been to the supermarket to get some cold drinks (we had a hankering for orange, cranberry and lots of ice) and apart from a bag of sweet and salty popcorn and two apple turnovers, I walked away without baddies.

The popcorn is ok so long as I don't eat the entire bag in one sitting - it's light and not too bad sugar-wise. The turnovers were a whim because I fancied them. Just under 300kcal apparently. I'm not going to worry about it. We have decided we fancied a Weightwatchers recipe for Frittata for tea tonight so I know my calories for the day (and walking) will be OK. It's just the rum I might put in the cranberry and orange that might mess things up...😉

short one today

I have had quite a hard day work-wise and there were Mr George's chocolate digestives open and calling me. But I resisted that call and I am so proud of myself. Only last week I was stuffing them down when I thought no one was looking to take count!

I knew I was having a chicken curry for dinner so I tried to have a lower calorie lunch. I have always marvelled at people who do this naturally. It helps when you have meals planned (hence, I knew I was having curry). But some people just seemed to make this balance of meals look so easy "Oh, I'm having this for dinner, so I'll have a salad for lunch" and I was always like "So?"

But I get it now! Doesn't make it as easy as they make it seem, but then that's why they weigh what they do and I weigh what I do!

Just over 1600 kcal so far today and so far I have stayed below that with a target of 1800. I'll see what the scales say but I feel this is a little too easy to be right. I'm sticking to my limit without too much difficulty but thinking about everything I consider putting in my mouth. I suppose that awareness is half of the battle. I know I can decrease that limit to 1600 without too much difficulty (and hopefully I would be actually eating 1400 or so). I will learn how it works when I see results (or not). Is it sad that I'm actually excited to weigh myself on Monday?

The sweet stuff

There are guidelines, GDAs or more recently known as Recommended Intakes (RI) about the make-up of calorific intake.

MFP set up default levels but I noticed that I seemed to be reaching the sugar level very quickly despite not having added sugar, fruit juices or syrups - the things you expect. This got me thinking about what my intake of sugar should be and, more scarily, how much it has been in the past.

MFP was set at 43g of sugar. But that didn't take into account whether they were natural sugars or added sugars. There doesn't seem to be a way to break this down (without paying a shedload for MFP premium, which I'm not up for). The GDA or RI for women is 90g TOTAL sugar. So although I was above the threshold it had arbitrarily chosen for me that was ALL sugar in my diet. Surely even a saint couldn't keep it below 43g? I have changed it to 90g and intend to keep below that.

Quite possibly, up until just a few days ago, I could well have been topping 90g on a daily basis and probably doubling that or even more. Maybe this is the wake-up call I need. I realised that as I was walking around Tesco this afternoon I was thinking about the sugar content of virtually everything and remembering my brother saying that he never buys grapes because they are just balls of sugar. I scoffed at this because I thought that purely being a natural fruit trumped any bad sugar content. I was wrong; it's all important.

I have also considered the calcium, potassium and sodium content of my diet as MFP was consistently advising me that my potassium and calcium were low. I'm quite chuffed that there was no such alert about sodium being high - I have hypertension and so am quite aware of salt and processed foods etc. So I have adjusted the amounts according to RI and have considered where I might best obtain potassium and calcium in my diet. This is made a helluver lot easier by the fact I can now eat more natural sugars. I knew my calcium intake wasn't great, but the cap on my sugar wouldn't allow me to have a glass of milk without going way over. Hopefully there will be a bit of a better balance now. The same with goes for nuts and seeds giving me extra nutrients (calcium among them) or yoghurt, bananas and dried fruit for potassium; it all has sugar in too but now I have more sugar to play with!

This all makes me feel quite accomplished and like I'm on the right track to change my lifestyle. I never considered it as an academic process before, WeightWatchers and the like have always done the science bit for me and I've just taken their word for it. I hate WW. It works while you're on it, adhering to their strict rules (no matter how flexible they want you to think it is) but mostly because they peddle horrible low fat alternatives, rubbish recipes that never taste as good as when they're laden with fat and sugar. I'm miserable when I'm on a 'diet'.

I want to drink whole milk, eat full fat cheese and full fat yoghurt. I want to eat fresh, unprocessed foods as much as I can. But most of all, I want to be able to enjoy a healthy diet without feeling guilty, fat or deprived. I know I'm counting and measuring a lot at the moment and it takes precious time to put that extra effort in. But it will eventually be worth it. I will have changed my habits, changed my lifestyle and it will no longer be a chore. 

Calorie requirements

I have been trying to find out exactly how many calories (or kcal) I need to consume to exist. This is not as easy as I thought it might be.

• From somewhere my Fitbit has be using 1635 per day just from existing. That is, on a day when I haven't had it on or recording, it calculates that is how many kcals I will have used. How it comes to that conclusion, I'm not sure. 

• HealthStatus (a website) calculated my existence to require 2689.8 kcal a day.

• BBCiWonder came up with 2240 kcal.

There seems to be a general consensus that 2000 kcal is what women need in order to maintain their weight, keeping the engine ticking over so to speak. But that takes little or no account of age or weight.

There is a formula or something. Doing a bit of reading it seems that requirements (no matter what the answer comes up as) seem to be calculated from the basal metabolic rate (BMR) and that is calculated from body weight, height, age and gender. Which is the same no matter what on-line calculator you use. So how can they differ so much? Who am I supposed to believe?

The amount of kcal you need to lose weight is a whole new ballgame!

• HealthUnlocked (website) suggest 1400 kcal.

• NHS Choices say 1692 - 2175 kcal

• and MFP wanted me to start on 1230 kcal!

So where does all that information leave me? And lets not forget, we're only talking about calories here; the components and proportions are as yet, undiscovered by me. It's surely going to get way more complicated the more I delve into it.

• To function on a daily basis I require 1692 - 2689.8 kcal per day. That's a hell of a margin for error!

• To maintain my weight the consensus is approximately 2000 kcal

• To lose weight, guidelines (see previous post) suggest 600 kcals less than maintenance. So is that 1092 kcal, 1400 kcal or 2089.8 kcal? Answers on a postcard please!

I have set MFP to 1800 kcal per day and I will see how that goes for a while. I am hopeful that in the short-term as it is considerably less than I have been eating I should show some weight loss initially. This may need to be adjusted as I (hopefully) lose weight.

I've started something here that is going to be a long term project, perhaps even more so than my MSc!

Fitbit and Myfitnesspal

Yesterday I synced my FitBit with MyFitnessPal. I have used this app previously but deleted it as it wasn't helpful at the time. It seems to have been updated and is more intuitive now (and also the barcode database is a million times better than FitBit's.)

MyFitnessPal (hereafter known as MFP because it's far too long to type out in full every time) reckoned I should be on 1200kcal a day. I think not! So I  manually changed my goal to 1800 - taking into account what NHS said and MFP. I think 1800 is more doable without being silly or pointless. The MFP nutritional information is so much more comprehensive than FitBit too, and I can get a breakdown of carbs, protein and fats as well as nutrients, vitamins and minerals. This is helpful to me as it is telling me how much of each I have eaten and how much I need to eat or have left.

One thing I did quickly realise this morning was that 30g of All Bran is a pretty small amount compared to what I thought it was. I think portion control is going to be key to me losing weight. It will be difficult especially to begin with as I will inevitably be a little hungry or feel short-changed with considerably less than I am used to. I will probably start using smaller plates to trick my mind while it gets used to it. It's a recognised technique and probably not a bad thing to do permanently; there's no point in 'being good' only to instantly go back to my old ways and wonder why I'm putting the weight back on! I've said it to myself on many occasions previously - "it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change."

I have done 6700 steps so far today, but I think I'm unlikely to get to 10000 today. I definitely tend to walk less steps when I'm not at work! I had to remember to track my exercise, so when I walked into town I started the timer and stopped it when I got to town and vice versa on the way home. Working the 2 apps together is going to take some time to work out. Also, preparing meals takes more time as I scour the database or scan barcodes and adjust my serving sizes. I was still preparing my (actually very simple) cottage cheese salad when hubby had prepared and eaten his! That says a lot about his eating habits too, but this is about me, not him!

some info I have just confirmed

According to the British Nutritional Foundation

https://www.nutrition.org.uk/healthyliving/healthissues/healthy-weight-loss.html?limit=1&start=1

"Guidelines recommend that you should try to lose weight gradually, about 1-2 lbs (approximately 0.5-1.0 kg) a week. This way, the weight is more likely to stay off. This rate of weight loss is based on using up 600 kcal per day more than you take in. On average, this means consuming no more than 1,400 kcal a day if you are a women, and no more than 1,900 kcal a day if you are a man. The amount of weight you lose will depend on how much weight you need to lose and how active you are."

This is quite interesting as I have never seen this amount defined before. That also means that 1400kcal a day is what i should be aiming for...maybe. I am considerably overweight. I have just worked out my BMI and it is 39.6. A calorie intake that low...I'm not sure that is suitable for me to jump into straight away.

Weightwatchers (which I have done successfully several times, and then put most back on over time) advocates a larger calorie intake and gradually reducing it as you lose weight. I think this is so you've got somewhere to go with your weight loss. If I reduce my input to 1400 tomorrow, I would probably lose weight very quickly. But could I sustain it?

I think I'm going to find out some stuff which I really don't like the idea of during the course of my investigations. It will be up to me whether I chose to implement the suggested changes or adapt them to make them more palatable (literally). I guess to use 600 more than I eat, I have to do more, use up more energy to eat more in the first place. It is clear that I have to know numbers, calorific content and how much I am using up on a daily basis.

Better charge up the fitbit...

So I have looked at the NHS site and it recommends a daily intake for me of 1692 - 2175 kcal

The beginning of a journey

I think I have reached an epiphany.

I am an intelligent person with a Master's degree and I have been overweight to some degree for all of my adult life. I know that this is basically because my equation doesn't balance. It is a fundamental question of input and output and, the input is consistently more than the output. This consistency means that apart from within my (many) bouts of dieting I have put weight on or maintained my weight (at overweight).

So today, after a declaration of intent and failure within 12 hours I have decided to investigate, explore and analyse not only my own self but how I can improve that self. I would like to consider what makes me do what I do and synthesise that data into good and bad behaviours, that is, what is useful to help me with my desired outcomes and what is unhelpful. 

In addition, I would like to compile and define nutritional needs in order to create a template of input. Similarly, research-based recommendations regarding required amounts of physical activity and how they are best performed will be investigated. I will consider various types of weight control, diet and eating regime and attempt to incorporate the most useful and practical aspects into my own, personalised plan.

Having recently completed my Master's dissertation, it occurred to me that approaching my problem from an academic perspective is novel, but appropriate and may throw more light on a topic that has intrigued, baffled and eluded me for many years. I will in effect, be conducting a piece of auto-research with aspects of both autoethnography as I explore the self, but also qualitative and quantitative as I analyse theories, concepts and comparative data.

The research will primarily be in the form of literature searches with a working hypothesis that by shifting the balance from input to output, weight, health and wellbeing will be improved. It is clear that although I consider what I am doing to be from an academic perspective, it would probably not stand up to critical analysis or conform to recognised referencing standards. Ultimately, my aim is to devise a template to assist in improving my own health and wellbeing. The local research ethics committee need not be concerned with what I am doing!

To start, some statistics might be helpful - the statistics are as follows. Showing a change in these will fulfil the quantitative aspect of the study. I have not measured my blood pressure as I'm too scared to do so at present. But one of my principal aims is to reduce my blood pressure as I suffer from hypertension, for which I take daily medication.

Date	09/06/17
age	44y 11m
height	160cm
weight	101.5kg
bust	119cm
waist	111cm
hips	118cm
thigh	70cm
calf	48cm
arm	42cm

Without question, there are also feelings and thoughts that reflect the qualitative side and I shall explore these briefly now.

Yesterday morning I had expressed a desire to make lifestyle changes because I was feeling the effects of putting on more weight; my clothes were becoming tighter, I was noticing I was more easily out of breath and (possibly TMI) I have been getting regular bouts of thrush, which I put down to a high sugar intake.

I had a very trying day at work, with lots of problems to sort, difficult and sensitive situations and a degree of professional arrogance and superiority that caused me to be an hour late leaving. On the way home, I bought a £1 Dairy Milk bar, a £1 bag of revels and a £1 bag of fruit pastilles. And I ate them. I had to stop myself from diving in before I had eaten my evening meal, which I managed. Just. But then I scoffed 95% (hubby had a bit) in double quick time. I wanted to feel good and they were going to do that. But the feeling lasts so briefly that all too soon, I just felt overfull and sick. Hubby found it particularly disturbing that despite consuming so much refined sugar not that long before bedtime, I had no difficulty getting off to sleep and apart from the initial euphoria as the chocolate was still melting my mouth, I did not experience a 'sugar rush' and was not bouncing off the ceiling as he felt he would be.

Why did I feel the need to not only buy sweets and chocolate, but so much of the stuff and consume it so quickly? I think it's to do with feeling I deserved it after the crap day I'd had. Sweets and sugar are the treats that I value. I feel minimal pleasure in buying clothes because of my size and I don't wear much make-up. I am wary of beauty products because I have quite sensitive skin and the above TMI. And there's no instant hit from those other things. I think my personality is about craving instant hits and I'm sure that if I had moved in the right (or wrong depending on your perspective) social circles, I could quite easily be addicted to illegal substances. I can't afford to be an alcoholic but in all honesty, I can take or leave alcohol; I don't get an instant hit - it's too much effort (and expense) to get comfortably squiffy and it's not worth the hangover.

How can I think about alcohol like that but not refined sugar?

Sugar isn't my only problem, just my main one. I also enjoy cheese, cream, butter, crisps and fried food but I control these better. Discussing things over the dining room table (which we hardly ever eat at - another bad habit) we agreed that out general grocery shopping isn't bad - we avoid processed stuff, ready meals and the like but we always buy extras and treats when we go shopping. There's that word again - treats! We both agree that if we don't buy it, we can't eat it but sometimes we want a treat just to get over the tortuous trip to the supermarket! It's a vicious circle!

I have come up with some ideas for what are helpful and unhelpful behaviours - see below

Helpful	Unhelpful
not buying crap	not eating at the table
not eating ready meals	requiring 'treats'
parking a distance away at work	lazing in bed – late start to day/knock on
using fitbit	ignorance of nutritional content/requirements
not taking money to work	not listening for ‘full’ signal
taking packed lunches	main meal in evening
eating breakfast	temptations at work
planning menu/meals	lack of self-esteem/worth
drinking water ++	eating too quickly
self awareness	stress
don’t have sugar in drinks/on cereal

I think it's time I did a bit of research now. 

To be continued...